Ugh, my head…

… what the fuck did I drink?

And why the fuck did I think it was a good idea to listen to New Highlander?

Wait, what?

I was distracted from my slightly-renewed temporal dysphoria by coming to my physical senses. Ugh. Sunlight. Wicked, evil sunlight. I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. My eyes still shut tight against the malign influence of the sun, I nevertheless sensed Cali’s presence in our bed. Well. That was something at least.

… were we the only two World Champions to sleep together?

I know Cain and Angelica made out once, but did they fuck?

Questions for later.

In my hungover haze, I stroked Cali’s hair – only to find a lot less hair than I was expecting. Suddenly about 42 percent less hungover, I opened my eyes and saw Eris. I yelped and jumped off the bed, realizing with a momentary thankfulness that I was at least still wearing clothes.

‘What are you doing in my bed?!’ I demanded.

‘Your bed?’ Eris said in a gruff voice, still half-asleep. ‘This is my bed!’

‘And you didn’t question my being in it when you came to bed?!’

‘I did, but you wouldn’t wake up and you were stuck in there with the weight of a thousand freaking cats!’

‘… don’t you mean “a thousand suns”?’

‘You ever try to pick up a sleeping cat? Well, that’s what it was to try and get you out of there.’

‘… why was I in there?’ I asked.

‘Cali said something about “back door loving” and, well…’

‘Oh god, please tell me we didn’t – ’

‘Relax, Hammerman, your back door remains unopened.’ I stared at them until they rolled their eyes and continued. ‘As does mine.’

‘How pissed is she?’

‘Well,’ said Eris, looking smug, ‘I’d say it’ll be a minute before you get access to her back door again, but…’

‘Can we please stop talking about back doors?’

‘You started it!’ said Eris. ‘Now, if you’ll get the fuck outta here, I only came in like an hour ago, so – ’

They snapped their fingers and the curtains darkened, reducing the baneful, iniquitous light to tolerable levels.

I staggered to the main hall of the Academy, where the last dregs of the party were winding down. A handful of partygoers had found my guitar, and procured some other instruments, and were having a jam session. Now, ordinarily I love me a nice acoustic jam, but when I was as hungover as I was, it just sounded like screeching. No, it was coffee and water I needed. Making a perfunctory wave at the session, I scurried to the kitchen, where Carlton was brewing a cup of tea.

‘How are you not hungover?’ I asked him. ‘You were drinking too!’

‘Vampire,’ he reminded me. ‘At this point I’m actually drinking for the flavor.’

‘Right,’ I said. ‘Don’t suppose there’s any coffee?’

Wordlessly, he winged a mug at me. The mug depicted an Excel spreadsheet interface, and had always been one of my favorites. The coffee was cold and nasty, but in my present state it was like the nectar of the gods. After the cup of coffee went down (and another was set to brew), I drank a large glass of water and began to feel at least 38% human.

‘Oh, and,’ Carlton said, as if we’d been having a conversation that had been interrupted, ‘you gave me this last night. Asked me to hand it to you in the morning.’

He handed me a piece of paper. I read it aloud. ‘Hi Hungover Dan, this is Drunk Dan, telling you to get down to Antechamber 3 so that the Council will stop yelling at me.’ The Council? How?

I took a longing look at the coffee slowly beginning to percolate and thought better of making those stodgy bastards on the Council wait.

They’re literally just alternative versions of you, Dan.

Well, yes, I know that, Dan, but they’re still stodgy.

What does that say about you?

Fuck off.

I headed downstairs to the great chamber beneath the Academy, and to the third antechamber off to the side. I sighed and entered, finding a brass circle on the ground. I sat and closed my eyes, taking three deep breaths.

When my eyes opened, I was in the Dan Alignment Nexus once again. I took another deep breath, attempted to fix my hair, and headed for the main Council chamber. The room was far brighter than I remembered, and I winced as I descended the long stairs.

‘Nice of you to join us, Revival Highlander,’ said Highlander Prime. ‘This meeting is called to order.’

‘Hang on,’ I said, ‘we’re doing meetings now? I thought it was just the one to sort out the temporal dysphoria?’

‘This is a tricky situation, one which requires frequent monitoring,’ said another Council Highlander, one who hadn’t yet been Called. ‘Made trickier by your decision last night.’

‘You mean to get shitfaced while on Eris’ pain meds? Because there’s not a Dan on this Council that wouldn’t -’

‘Not that,’ said Highlander Prime. ‘Your decision.’

‘… gonna need a bit more precision than that,’ I said.

‘He’s talking,’ said New Highlander, ‘about the point at which you decided to grow a freaking personality.’

‘The point at which,’ barked Highlander Prime, ‘you decided explicitly to channel a past incarnation! Such a thing has never been done!’

‘It was just a bit of fun!’ I said. ‘Look, Dan,’ I said, directing my words at New Highlander, ‘let’s face it, when you did the Georgia Reel bit, you couldn’t remember the lyrics to Back Door Lovin’, so you went with My Heart Is Like A Brick, and you and I both know it wasn’t as funny – ’

‘Yeah, it wasn’t,’ said New Highlander wistfully. ‘Couldn’t quite parse “hotter than an oven”. Would have been so much better of a bit…’

‘The re-binding of the timelines is not an excuse for you to call do-overs for past promos you didn’t feel were quite up to snuff!’ bellowed Highlander Prime.

‘Oh, fucking loosen up, dude!’ said New Highlander. ‘Didn’t see you complaining when he avenged your loss to AnHellica.’

‘Partially,’ came the muffled voice of HeelLander, who I saw had been gagged. ‘I would have -’

‘Quiet!’ said Highlander Prime. ‘And as for AnHellica – that challenge was made before he was aware of the disparate timelines. Last night’s shenanigans were not!’

‘You’re just mad you never got to do anything that fun,’ said New Highlander. ‘And besides, it was sensible. After all, his power derives from channeling all the past Highlanders…’

‘Wait, I thought it was because I realized that I was the original Starchild and so any power the myth conveyed came to me too?’ I asked.

‘It can be both!’ said New Highlander. ‘And besides, as the only Highlander here who’s actually beaten the Andersons… ’

Yells erupted from the gathered Dans – I swear it just sounded like “rabble rabble rabble” – including from at least three at the podium. ‘It’s fucking Billy and Tyler Anderson,’ exclaimed Transitional Highlander, ‘not…’ He sputtered.

Holy fuck, is our tag team division really so weak he can’t come up with a single tag team that isn’t Cali and Eris?

New Highlander looked tremendously amused as Transitional Highlander weakly finished ‘erm… Elijah and Omega. Do we really need the combined experience of all Highlanders to take those two out?’

‘I dunno, man, they’re the Unstoppable Force…’ I said.

‘Oh, stop it,’ said Transitional Highlander, flushing.

‘The point is,’ said Highlander Prime, attempting to regain some control of the situation, ‘if you intend to continue these shenanigans -’

‘Bet on that,’ I said under my breath.

‘- then we will be closely monitoring the situation in case you case another temporal rupture!’

‘Right, gotcha,’ I said, ‘careful with the shenanigans. Can I go?’

Highlander Prime sighed. ‘Dismissed.’

I awoke with a start, and sat up with not inconsiderable discomfort. I was still hungover, and, well, you know what they say: liquor before beer, you’re in the clear; liquor before interdimensional travel, feel your insides unravel.

Cali was waiting for me on the other side of the door, and I was relieved to see that her annoyance had mostly given way to amusement. It transpired that both Eris and Carlton had informed her of the extent to which my excesses had caused me to suffer, and she considered me adequately rebuked.

‘So…’ I began.

‘Dan, I swear to God, if you so much as mention “back door”…’

‘Not where I was going!’ I said defensively. ‘I just… wanted to know if you wanted to go for a walk.’

She fixed me with an eye. ‘You want to go back to sleep, don’t you?’

‘I haven’t been this hung over since the time Wynters and I found that place with the 10 cent vodka shots,’ I said.

‘… wait, who’s Wynters?’

Ah crap.