Caledonia wasn’t in the locker room when I got back, which was by itself cause for concern. Neither was Mark, which… well, look, I still didn’t particularly like the bastard, but we were on the same side. A tactical alliance, if you will.

… Why did that phrase send a chill down my spine?

And why was Amber Ryan flashing into my mind?

I shook my head. These weird spells had been happening more and more, and I figured it was just the 24th century equivalent of The Pollening. There were bigger fish to fry.

I checked out a monitor displaying the main event, briefly wondering if I should spring for one of those neural implants like Nia had, but then remembering that this was 2326, and the technologists of today made Elon Musk look like Jonas Salk. No… if we could make nice with Future Eris, maybe, but for now…

Ah, that was where Caledonia was – oof, that Sidewalk Slam looked nasty.

‘So,’ said Carlton, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had been glued to the screen and hadn’t noticed the stealthy bastard sidling up behind me. He’d moved quietly even before he became a fucking vampire, and now he was basically undetectable with my mere human senses.

Another reason for them neural implants, Dan…

Oh, shut up, Dan.

That was unnecessary, Dan. Be nice to yourself.

I watched as Jarvis took down Elijah, and then saw Caledonia choke the smug bastard out as the simulcast ended. I pumped my fist.

‘So,’ said Carlton, ‘you’re taking on AnHellica. Best brace yourself.’

‘For AnHellica?’

‘For Caledonia.’

‘She’s upset?’

Carlton barely had time to nod before the door burst open. ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?’ demanded my wife, closing in to within a couple of inches of me.

‘Erm…’

‘You’re just going to challenge AnHellica,’ she said, gasping in exasperation and half-screaming, ‘in a fucking First Blood match of all things? What’s wrong with you?’

‘We needed to get you into the final round,’ I said meekly.

‘There could have been another way!’

‘There wasn’t,’ said Carlton, coming unexpectedly to my defense. ‘AnHellica and the Amoralists hold all the cards, and no-one else benefits from this; well, Elijah, but…’

He trailed off under the power of Caledonia’s fiery glare. ‘I can’t believe you’d be so reckless,’ she spat.

‘I needed to be!’ I exclaimed. ‘Last time these bastards ran a tournament they destroyed a third of the world, so God fucking knows what they have planned this time. If I have to make a few sacrifices…’

‘You mean like your fucking lifeblood?’ Caledonia hissed.

‘Enough,’ said Carlton. ‘We should get out of here before we discuss this further.’

It’s a dire situation when fucking Carlton is the voice of reason.

Caledonia seemed to agree, and we wordlessly departed for the carriage. Well, I say ‘wordlessly’; I could hear her muttering ‘reckless’ under her breath and I had a feeling that this would not be the last we spoke on the subject.

But when we arrived, she seemed to have mostly cooled down. I was happy for that, especially since in my heart… I kind of knew I had been reckless.

In my heart I knew why; ever since coming to the future I had felt kind of useless.

If I were really being honest, I’d been feeling kind of useless for a long time.

I wished that Caledonia and I could have had success at the same time, but that hadn’t come to pass… and there was the unfortunate fact that my success paled in comparison to hers. She had been one of the most dominant World Champions in CWF’s history, at a time when CWF was near its peak.

Who had I fought, as champion? Fucking Synn DeVille and Mandy DeSantiago. Weak sauce.

… Wait, did I fight them? I know I did but I also don’t remember…

Oh god the spine thing’s back.

I realized that I had drifted out of the conversation, and that Cali and Carlton had been discussing the Amoralists’ plan. This was, after all, the climax of Infernalia, and whatever the mysterious Archon had planned would come to pass in a few weeks.

‘And so, the way I see it, we need a backup plan,’ said Carlton.

‘You really don’t believe I can do it?’ said Caledonia, raising her eyebrow.

‘No, dear cousin, I believe you have every possibility of winning,’ said Carlton. ‘However, there are five other men who also have every possibility of winning, two of whom have beaten you in single combat in the course of this tournament. Hence, a backup plan. Not a lack of confidence; an abundance of prudence.’

‘Alright then,’ said Caledonia. ‘What do you propose?’

‘If an enemy insists on war, then you take away their ability to wage it,’ he said.

‘… Did you just quote Cobra Kai?’ I asked incredulously.

Cali chose to ignore me. ‘And how precisely do you take away the Amoralists’ ability to wage war?’

‘By taking the source of their power,’ came an unfamiliar voice from the base of the stairs. The three of us whipped around to face the source – Urquhart.

Holy fuck, he was basically unrecognizable from the near-corpse that Carlton and Nia had handed me in the carriage. In just a few days, his skin had gone from pallid grey to merely slightly pale; not surprising for a man who hadn’t seen the sun in more than eight years. His hair, too, had grown back. When we found him, his scalp had barely a few scant wisps of white hair; now, short but thick brown curls were beginning to form.

Just what the hell was in those cards?

… And why can’t I have superpowers?

Urquhart continued. ‘The Amoralists have revealed the source of their Power; the Orb of Life. With it, they may siphon the life force of the fighters sacrificed in the Colosseum. Without it… well, as we saw at Apotheosis, tremendous Power may yet be channeled with blood magic, but the Amoralists will lose their immortality, and be forced back into their slumber.’

‘And you know this because…?’ Cali asked. Urquhart walked into the common room and joined us, his wince as he moved betraying his air of strength. He went to stand by the fire; Nia, moving behind him, sat on an adjacent couch.

‘I know this,’ he said, ‘because the capture of the Orb was the primary goal of the Kingsmen.’ He raised his hand to pre-empt the question. ‘The Kingsmen were the Order’s answer to the Grigori; an elite group specializing in counterintelligence and espionage. And I was their commander.’

‘Why were you in charge?’ asked Nia.

Apparently this was news to her as well. I guess it made sense; I could sympathize at least a little with the dilemma of precisely when to tell your spouse that you were being tapped as the semi-mythical leader of a militaristic organization.

Man, when did my life get so complicated? It wasn’t that long ago I was just bickering with Wynters over cleaning the apartment.

.

..

…

Wait, who the fuck is Wynters?

‘The leadership of the Order had learned of the planning of the Apotheosis tournament as early as 2315. They were aware that something was intended for the climax of that event, but couldn’t tell precisely what. Had they known… had we any idea the scale of destruction… well, regardless, it was deemed prudent to make an attempt on the Orb of Life. Such was to be the revelation of the Kingsmen,’ said Urquhart.

‘You still haven’t answered what that has to do with you,’ said Cali. I saw Nia shoot her an appreciative glance. Carlton, meanwhile, was saying nothing, but was listening intently to Urquhart. ‘Why,’ she continued, ‘did they choose you?’

‘You Independents aren’t the only ones who believe in the power of symbolism,’ he said, giving Caledonia and Nia a wry look. ‘Jane,’ he said, nodding at Nia, ‘took up the mantle of Caledonia; others took up the mantles of past warriors of the Resistance – Eris, Elijah, Omega, Angel. The Order, too, draws upon this power. My confrontation with your father coincided with their search for the Sta-’

‘Oh, not the fucking Starchild thing again!’ exclaimed Caledonia.

Urquhart ignored her. He spoke in a voice that felt… oddly familiar to me.

Oh fuck, I knew those words.

So, it seemed, did Cali, as she shushed him. ‘We… don’t quote that Book in this house,’ she said.

Urquhart looked miffed, but stopped. ‘The point is, the notion of the Starchild has Power, and that Power can be channeled into the correct vessel. As it turns out… that was me.’

‘Hang on,’ I said, ‘that was about a very specific set of events. The Moon casting down the Stars – that was me fighting Elisha in a Tower match. The Moon and the Sun clashing in the sky was him and Ryan Sunset – the grandson of Clyde Pierre – fighting in a Higher, Wire, Fire match.’

Urquhart shrugged. ‘Words have power. Even more so now than in your time. Regardless, I was chosen as the leader of the Kingsmen, and I learned to channel the Will of the Starchild. At the time of the Apotheosis tournament, we had made our preparations to infiltrate their stronghold. But we were too late; by the time we had breached the perimeter, the tournament had concluded; the Moonchild’s ritual tore the magical channels of the world asunder. I was cut off from my Power, and the Kingsmen were cut down. They kept me alive, to… well, you saw.’

None of us said anything for a minute. Eventually, Carlton broke the silence. ‘And so you think the time is ripe to try again.’

‘I do,’ said Urquhart. ‘We must make haste, especially since the two of you are fighting in the Infernalia finale,’ he added, indicating towards me and Cali. ‘But I am confident that between the four of us -’

‘Hang on,’ I said, ‘there’s five of us.’

‘I’m not counting you,’ he said flatly. ‘You have neither magical nor cybernetic powers; you will simply slow us down. And besides, you have your suicide mission to prepare for.’

Caledonia looked at me, and we had the sort of psychic conversation only married couples can have. She wanted to know if I wanted her to step in; I told her I had this one. ‘What the fuck do you mean, “suicide mission”?’

‘You have no chance in this match,’ he said. ‘AnHellica has powers you do not know. Your choice to sacrifice yourself was bold, but reckless.’

‘I’ve fought her before!’ At least… I think I have? What is going…

And then I passed out.

===

I awoke with my head feeling like it had been split down the center, on a surface far colder than the floor of the Academy common room. I groaned in discomfort, and opened my eyes.

I was in a small room, with a single door, closed. I had awakened on the floor, which was a green marble; I was in the middle of a brass circle. The walls, too, were marble, but pale white, with sconces bearing ornate golden lanterns. It felt familiar, though I was feeling too disoriented to place where I knew it from.

The door opened, and… well.

Wasn’t expecting to see me here.

‘Welcome back, Revival Highlander,’ said the other Dan. ‘The Council is waiting for you.’

‘The Council?’

‘Ah,’ said the other me, ‘you haven’t yet recovered. Not surprising, I suppose. But the business of the Council cannot wait. Follow me.’

My mind churned. I followed the other Dan out of the room and came into a well-lit hallway. We followed it to its end, where a large pair of heavy wooden doors were closed to us. The other Dan knocked firmly, and the doors swung open.

… oh, now I remember.

The room we entered into was a vast amphitheater, almost the size of the Colosseum. The walls were steep, and at the bottom I could see a semicircular dais. Massive marble columns spanned the chamber, embellished with golden hammers.

Oh, and the room was full of me.

Countless Dan Highlanders were seated in the rows of the amphitheater, mostly in some variation of my preferred outfit of black pants and a black tank-top. There were some deviations – a scarred face here, long hair there… twin swords on one Dan towards the front.

Well, that’s to be expected at the Dan Alignment Nexus.

My confusion worn off, I made my way to the floor before the dais. The Council of Highlanders filed in from another antechamber, filling into their twelve high-backed chairs, leaving one seat empty.

My seat.

But not for now.

‘This emergency meeting of the Council of Highlanders is called to order,’ said Highlander Prime, the first Highlander to come to CWF. ‘We assemble for the business of resolving the present temporal confusion.’

‘Yeah, what was going on with that?’ I asked.

‘The chair does not recognize Revival Highlander at this time,’ said Highlander Prime coldly. ‘Secretary Highlander, will you read the brief?’

The Highlander who had done a brief run in CWR replied. ‘Of course, President Highlander.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Whereas, on this day in…’

‘Oh, get to the fucking point and skip the pomp,’ said New Highlander (that’s the one who was in the 2011 revival, for those keeping track at home).

‘It actually does matter which day it is,’ said the Transitional Highlander who was active for Wrestlefest 3; the one right before my run as the active Highlander. ‘Seeing as it’s not at all clear whether we’re dealing with 2026 or 2326.’

‘Hang on,’ I said. ‘Why am I here? My time isn’t up yet. This run’s actually been pretty stable, we’ve even lasted through two incarnations of CWF without Switching – ’

‘Only because your weakness and ineptitude has led to Caledonia surpassing you!’ yelled Theoretical-Heel-Highlander. ‘Were it I, I would have smote the wicked and-’

‘Oh, shut it, dude,’ I said. ‘I already did the bad-guy thing when I became the Starchild. Didn’t need to go full vengeance-Paladin either.’

Highlander Prime looked at me gravely. ‘That was reckless of you. But it was nothing compared to the recklessness you have displayed in going to the future, where no Dan has gone before.’

‘How is it reckless?’ I exclaimed.

‘You know full well that the magical currents of 2326 make it more dangerous for any Highlander,’ he replied. ‘When we Switch, it warps the timelines. In the 21st century, the active Highlander is insulated from the temporal fluctuations, whether by ignoring the past,’ he nodded at New Highlander, ‘or by merging timelines.’ He looked at Transitional Highlander, then at me.

‘Well, forgive me for wanting to keep my history as World Champion but wanting to still be married to Caledonia!’ I said.

‘And yet you still chose to be shot…’ muttered New Highlander.

‘Regardless,’ said Highlander Prime firmly, ‘you did none of those things. You were never World Champion, Elijah did not give you the Justice card, and, crucially, you never fought Angelica.’

‘Well, I mean, I did…’

‘Only because the timelines were carefully woven together to craft your narrative!’ exclaimed CWR Highlander. ‘And now, in the magically-charged world of 2326 – a world I think this Council would agree we never expected to reach – those threads are coming apart!’

‘Fine then, it’s coming apart! What exactly does the Council propose we do about it?’ I exclaimed.

Silence.

‘It’s not like I can just go back to 2026, I have to stay and support Caledonia. And I think we can all agree that AnHellica needs to be stopped, right?’

‘Which is a reasonable segue to the second order of business,’ said New Highlander, ‘namely, what the fuck is wrong with you?’

‘Oh, not this again…’ I said.

‘AnHellica’s power is an order of magnitude above where she was when I fought her,’ said Highlander Prime.

‘Yeah – and you lost!’ said New Highlander.

‘How often must you remind me of that?’

‘Until you stop fucking calling yourself Highlander Prime…’ muttered New Highlander.

‘And, as we have stated,’ said Highlander Prime, ‘you have never even fought Angelica, much less AnHellica.’

‘Nor should he!’ exclaimed Theoretical-Heel-Highlander. ‘He lacks the fortitude to execute this battle. The Council must send me.’ He pointed a finger at me. ‘Your time is up; my time is now!’

‘Enough! You have been warned; continue this conduct and you shall lose your seat on this Council!' bellowed Highlander Prime.

Heel-lander sat back down, glowering. Highlander Prime looked at me.

‘To paraphrase my vulgar colleague,’ he said, ‘what makes you think you have a chance? Even talking about your history with AnHellica outside the Nexus causes you to collapse.’

‘Because we’re all fucking Highlanders, aren’t we?’ I exclaimed. ‘Each of us draws from the experiences of the others. Maybe I didn’t personally fight her, but you did, and so for cognitive purposes so did I! And you nearly won! And that was before our Starchild conditioning – all me there, by the way – which has to at least add some strength, particularly if Urquhart’s onto anything… wait…’ I thought for a moment. I turned to the rest of the Council. ‘Provided that I can keep my knowledge of this encounter, I think my cognition can handle the temporal dysphoria. It’ll be a little tricky to keep track of which Highlander did what, but it won’t be debilitating anymore.’

‘You have not resolved the problem of your power differential with AnHellica,’ said Transitional Highlander.

‘Urquhart said he was able to channel the power of the Starchild myth,’ I said. ‘And that was because the Order believed he was the correct vessel; or at least they Willed themselves to believe it. And belief becomes more powerful over time, we saw that with the Cards…’ I thought another moment; a realization occurred to me, and I met the gaze of New Highlander, who grinned and made a fist.

Man, I was an asshole in 2011. Still… titles, baby, titles…

‘Leave AnHellica to me,’ I said. ‘I will win this one – for the sake of all Dankind.’

I strode to the dais, grabbed Highlander Prime’s gavel, and hammered the meeting closed.

===

‘Not in this form, you haven’t,’ said Urquhart. ‘AnHellica is significantly stronger after three centuries accumulating power.’

I was momentarily disoriented; it seemed no time had passed during the Council’s meeting. Urquhart looked at me. ‘Nothing to that? Good. Then -’

And then I punched him in the face.

‘Dan!’ exclaimed Cali and Nia simultaneously.

Urquhart glowered at me. ‘Fast enough for you, “Starchild”?’ I asked.

‘Faster than I expected,’ he spat. ‘How?’

‘Because I’m the motherfucking original. Still think I don’t have what it takes?’

On pure instinct, I pivoted and raised my right arm in a block. Carlton’s forearm clashed against mine, and the vampire grinned. ‘Good by me,’ he said.

‘So then,’ I said, sitting. ‘What’s our plan?’