▶A 'Sucker Punch' Reference?! In This Economy?!
Cue: “SOFI Needs A Ladder” by Deadmau5
The amber skies above are littered with dark yellow fluffy clouds floating lazily over what seems to be a battlefield. Automated drones putter by, some taking shots at shambling hordes below while others just seem to watch the action below from a safe distance. Not a soul can blame the little guys though as a whizzing carcass of what looks to once have been an automaton, trailing a line of oil behind it goes by one in particular. It watches the carcass fly by, what used to be its limbs flailing uselessly in the wind before it turns its attention to where the body came from.
Standing in the middle of a particularly tenacious horde of automatons, stands a golden robot, its dome head topped with… What looks to be metallic strands of gold, floating down to about its shoulders. The beat drops in the song and the little robot putters up and down, almost as if it was dancing to the beat. It moves, fast, through the air toward the robot, doing a slow circle around the massive machine. On its back, we learn the robot’s name, proudly with the acronym scrawled across its back in holographic ink, always visible to the naked eye.
S overeignty
O btained
F rom
I ncompetence
A slight buzz is heard and the little automaton jolts a little bit, realizing that the robot has let out a lightning blue cloud of smog, catching a few drones, one sporting a banner saying “Caledonia was right!,” one with a banner sporting an image of Caledonia with the CWF World Heavyweight Title on her shoulder, begging any who saw to vote her as their next village “Archer,” and one that only expelled confetti every time a prerecorded voice says, “GO CALEDONIA!,” were flying on the way by, all of which suddenly explode. It’s hard to tell, but it seems as if the little witness to this event is laughing as it makes its way back to the front of the robot, who brushes its golden locks from its eyes. The little guy gets up close to look inside the eyes, where the cockpit is, and is instantly swatted away as the robot takes another step forward, sighing in frustration as most of the horde underneath scramble to get out of the way.
Inside the SOFI, Loki Synn sighs in unison with the robot, lazily pulling levers, pushing buttons, and twisting knobs that don’t seem to be doing much of anything. Around her, numerous automatons work to control the robot they pilot, oblivious to Loki’s obvious, nonsensical approach to robot management. The demonic jester and according to one MJ Flair, the “One Woman Party Favor,” spins around on her heel after flicking a spring door jamb. The spring reverberates and Loki only giggles until it finally ends, the robot around her continuing to do its thing, random pipes exhausting acid green clouds of steam. Finished with her fun, Loki looks dead center, unbothered by the chaos seeming to reign down around her. The robot takes another step forward, and Loki only shifts her weight with the movement, staying put as multiple automatons lose their footing, one skipping in front of her as it tries to regain its balance. Loki watches, and holds out a foot, tripping the poor thing, and laughing mercilessly as it explodes in a comically massive explosion for such a little guy. Loki coughs, NOW officially done with her fun.
“Caledonia! If I knew it was THAT easy to get a little one on one with the ‘High Priestess’ of the CWF, I would have attempted to reorganize Jaiden’s office with the blood of your family AGES ago!”
Loki laughs, cold, brutal, and unrelenting.
“Now, I KNOW that you’re used to everything being about you, but there are a few… Custodial items that need to be mentioned. First? Conspicuous by her absence, my sister, Amelia, is back home, boarding up the windows and battening down the hatches! Didn’t you hear?! Zombies friggin’ exist and The Forsaken have risen from the dead!”
She takes a breath as she pauses. She scratches her head, suddenly confused.
“... A… Again, I guess? Boys… Didn’t we try this before? One last hurrah and what exactly happened, hmmm? We all dropped the ball, Ataxia lost his precious burlap, and the worst wedding experience that anyone could ever imagine for a bride was… In a word… Complete. Now… I’m not Mia, but if I WAS… Well, you’d all be dead for messing up my wedding. But you all faded out, and now you’re back… Again. Let me just say this Forsaken, and heed this warning well, while Amelia and I may not share Mia’s history with you, we DO know you. This should scare you all. Please come try to save precious Mia from our grasp because Amelia has something planned for when you do try, and I look forward to the day I finally get to see you all wither before The Menagerie’s presence, for the long awaited, ‘final time.’ Caledonia, please, a moment of silence for the soon to be dead again legends. I know, I’ll get to you in a moment.”
Loki bows her head, the bells at the end of each of the spikes adorning her head jingling with her movements. She sniffles, clears her throat, checks her watch impatiently, and taps her foot. Finally, she lets out an exasperated sigh.
“That… Felt like it took forever. Moving on, next order of business, Cheshire… Don’t expect to see her anytime soon, she’s under lock and key until further notice according to… Well, us!”
Loki’s laughter once again ripples through the board of the robot, every automaton briefly losing their balance. She’s quick to stop though as she continues.
“With all this said…”
Loki turns ninety degrees, and yet she’s still staring into whomever her intended audience is’s heart and soul.
“Hi Caledonia. It’s been a moment hasn’t it? Last time this body and you crossed paths, was when Mia faced off against you and MJ Flair. My, you guys REALLY tore the house down at Wrestlefest this year! Meanwhile, I’m busy chasing Silas Artoria out of this federation, a job neither of YOU could’ve handled by the way, but hey, who’s checking, amirite?!”
Loki continues, her voice taking on a dangerous, highpitched, and manic edge.
“Let’s really talk though Caledonia, because, it hasn’t ever been just you versus Mia in any of her iterations, has it? MJ Flair wanted some of our spotlight the last time and she only ended up as a crumpled up heap on the outside of the ring while Mia pinned your shoulders to the mat. Three seconds later, she has her hand in victory and you get to take the walk of shame. I HAVE to ask Caledonia, and wow, you really need a nickname or something… How about Sleazy C? Anyways, let’s fast forward you long named bitch, and let’s talk about your cousin. I’ll give him his five seconds of appreciation and say, ‘yes Mark, you pushed The Menagerie to its breaking point… Before we started using you to practice moves on toward the end there…’”
Loki pauses, obviously relishing in the memory.
“But… Like all good things, that match had to come to an end, and our dearest red headed step child of a sister had to go and ruin our fun and pin him. Don’t you worry Marquis Mark! Cheshire is getting punished every which way to Sunday, JUST because she ended your torment! You can thank her if you ever get a chance to see her again… BUT! Caledonia, bringing the conversation right back to you, I have to ask a week and a half removed, is your ENTIRE bloodline this pathetic and weak? Granted, I’ve only personally tasted Mark, but after our meeting on Infernalia? Ooooo Sleazy C! I’m going to make you bleed, and yes, you will only have me to contend with. Think about this though, MJ Flair seems to be coming up a lot, and you DID reach out to Mark before our match to try to warn him away. Why don’t you go ask your bestest gal pal ever, MJ, what happened when she and I met, hmmm? Go ahead, I don’t think you were around, but here, let me act it out for you.”
Loki looks around her and quickly snatches a random automaton that was walking past her. She grasps its body like a javelin, holding it high above her shoulder, but as she takes a look at its robotic body, the jester shakes her head, the bells jingling their happy tune. A fog shrouds the whirring body, and as the fog dissipates, it reveals an unconscious MJ Flair in Loki’s hand! Satisfied, Loki nods, takes a few vaulting steps, and hurls the Robo-MJ through the air like a spear! A football field away, a lone robot walks around, finally off of a long shift, as it takes the Robo-MJ spear right through the chest! Loki jumps and yells, excited for her “bullseye” before turning her attention back to where it belongs… On CWF’s current World Heavyweight Champion of course!
“Now… CaleDONia, let’s talk this year. We can go back and forth all day long with stories about ‘the olden times’ like it’s some kind of verbal tennis match, but what’s that going to do? No… Let’s talk about this year, CWF’s big comeback. I know what you’re thinking… ‘Loki, why did you choose this song?’ and then I’d have to slap you and say, ‘Shut up Lassie, I’m getting there!’ This song, Cale, is called ‘SOFI Needs A Ladder.’ Did you catch the name of this beautiful work of art that I currently find myself in? The SS 'Sovereignty Obtained From Incompetence,’ reporting for duty! YOU Caledonia, could be considered the CWF’s ‘Golden Child,’ and frankly, you don’t really NEED a ladder. I’m willing to bet that your next action figure? It comes prepackaged with one, based on how many shots, and how many opportunities you’ve had this year. So many main events, you’ve won that title once already this year, but… Oops, did it not last as long as it did previously? Have you not experienced getting older and… Premature departures of what you feel you’ve earned? You madam, are a multi time world champion in this federation, and have proved yourself time and time again against the best this federation has had to offer. But….”
Loki pauses and scratches an imaginary goatee, plucking a bit of fuzz out of it and discarding it before continuing.
“One HAS to wonder at this point Caledonia, are you ducking Mia? How many times, in every single one of those title defenses throughout your career, did you EVER defend against her? Hmmm?”
Loki starts counting on her fingers, muttering to herself about carrying numbers and moving decimal points. Suddenly, her eyes dart straight ahead, her icy glare burning into, yes, an automaton several feet away, minding its own business. Strangely, the death in the cockpit of the robot seems to be mirroring the carnage outside at this point. Loki throws her arms down in disgust, her voice low, a growl to indicate this wasn’t the time to play games. It was time for bloodshed.
“Zero. It’s almost as if you’re scared of her Caledonia, and to be honest? You should be. You aren’t the person you were all those years ago when you faced Mia while she was at her best at the time. Now you’re older and you’re up against Mia’s physical body, sure, I’ll give you that, but….”
Loki taps her head.
“You’re going to be up against me. Something cooked up inside Mia’s imagination filled with all the dark and twisted things that your parents always shoved back into a closet and insisted they didn’t exist. It’s time to manifest some dread bitch! You, Caledonia, are about to defend that title against the very essence of everything inside Mia’s twisted head that could be construed as ‘violent.’ You are up against someone who picked up MJ Flair like she was nothing and threw her out of the ring. That day, I set a new record for small person throwing, and MJ? She took a several month hiatus. Ask her. Ask Mark and know Caledonia after Infernalia?”
Loki snaps her fingers and the steampunk chaos around her silences, fading to black and leaving the jester standing in an open and black abyss.
“I will be a two time CWF World Champion and YOU dearest Companion! YOU are going to know what it TRULY feels like to come up against a force of nature, filled with every negative emotion, fear, and nightmare you could even begin to conceive… You’ll live to tell the tale and I’ll do you one better and make sure you get put into the CWF record books!”
Loki pauses a beat, her hand coming up, a thumb sticking out horizontally.
“As having the shortest reign as world champ in CWF history.”
Loki raises her fist, as if doing a thumbs up, only for her to withdraw her thumb and stick up her middle finger instead. She snaps the fingers of her other hand as the scene fades to black.